“To gaslight someone is to steal their reality, piece by piece.” — Robin Torres
If you have been on social media in the last few months (or years), you will have seen the phrase gaslighting.
Much like narcissism, it can be thrown around in contexts that don’t deserve it, making it a term that is often misused on social media. The phrase itself gets its origins from a 1938 play “Gaslight” by Patrick Hamilton, in which a husband manipulates his wife into doubting her sanity by dimming the lights in their home and then denying this when she notices.
Ergo, he is deliberately coercing her into thinking that her perception of reality is wrong.
The phrase “gaslighting” became clinically relevant in the 1960’s and started to gain traction online in the early 2000’s, making it a bit of a buzzword relating to control and emotional manipulation.
So, what is it clinically, and if you spot it in your intimate relationships, what should you do?
What is Gaslighting?
To simplify, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. It is manipulation and it is more documented in abusive and controlling relationships. Even though it is a worldwide phenomenon, it is not a standalone mental health issue in the DSM-5 but is linked to narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and antisocial personality disorder (APD) or psychopathy.
What does it look like? You may be looking forward to a night out with your friends, but your partner is acting sulky. They then start to complain that they will be at home alone all evening. This persists and eventually, you call your friends to cancel.
Then, they accuse you of being antisocial. This leaves you confused: you cancelled the evening due to them and now, they have flipped the script onto you. You may then confront your partner, for them to then say that they never sulked or wanted you to stay home.
Why is this gaslighting? They have told you that what you KNOW happened, did not happen and now, you are doubting yourself. This is a simple version but this tactic can be applied across multiple areas in an intimate relationship, leading you to question your sanity. Interestingly, the signs of gaslighting are usually more present in the partner who is being manipulated, not in the partner who is doing it.
Signs of Gaslighting in Relationships
Klein et al (2025) found that for gaslighting to occur, there needs to be two features present.
The person who is doing the gaslighting must convince the victim that they are incompetent in relation to what they know to be true. Next, the victim must fully trust the person who is gaslighting and they must have faith that they have more knowledge and a better understanding of the world. Yes, cults and abusive parents often utilise gaslighting to keep their cult members or children under control, but that is a different topic.
So, how do you spot if you are being gaslit in your intimate relationship?
- You may frequently second-guess yourself, causing self-doubt.
- You may be being made to feel sensitive, being told you are crazy.
- You might start trusting other people’s decisions more than your own.
- You may feel isolated, confused or depressed.
- You could be making excuses for your partner’s behaviour.
Here’s the clencher: deep down, you may feel that something isn’t right in your relationship. However, you may not be able to put your finger on it. Trust your gut instinct. It’s there for a reason!
If you have concerns about your partner potentially gaslighting you, or you have other concerns about your relationship, we can help. Contact My Family Psychologist for a confidential chat.
Whether you’re experiencing problems in your relationships or just need someone to talk to, we’re here to help. Contact My Family Psychologist for a confidential chat.
FAQs
What is Gaslighting in an Intimate Relationship?
Gaslighting is an emotional manipulation tactic in which a person may try to get another person to question their perception of reality. In intimate relationships, this can look like your partner telling you that things you know happened didn’t happen as you remember, or that you are remembering things wrong.
What are Common Signs of Gaslighting?
If you commonly second-guess yourself, often question your own perceptions or start trusting other people’s choices more than your own, you may be being gaslit. However, this may also point to something like communication issues in your relationship but either way, it is worth exploring with the help of a relationship therapist.
What Should I Do if My Partner is Gaslighting Me?
If you have noted that your partner is frequently gaslighting you, it is advised that you challenge them without escalating. In some cases, this can be effective, as they may not be consciously aware that they are gaslighting you, it may highlight a behaviour that they want to change.
Stay grounded, try to focus on resolution and if necessary, go to therapy with them to assess if this behaviour is conscious or part of something else.
References
American Psychiatric Association. (2022, December 29). Antisocial personality disorder: Often overlooked and untreated. APA Blogs. https://www.psychiatry.org/News-room/APA-Blogs/Antisocial-Personality-Disorder-Often-Overlooked
Brooten-Brooks, M. C. (2025, December 12). How to recognize and respond to gaslighting. Verywell Health. https://www.verywellhealth.com/signs-of-gaslighting-5219024
Drescher, A. (2024, January 20). Origin of the term gaslighting. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/origin-of-the-term-gaslighting.html
Drescher, A. (2024, January 20). How to deal with a gaslighting spouse. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/how-to-deal-with-a-gaslighting-spouse.html
Jones, N. (2020, June 19). The man who invented Gaslighting. The Critic. https://thecritic.co.uk/the-man-who-invented-gaslighting/
Klein, W., Wood, S., & Bartz, J. A. (2025). A theoretical framework for studying the phenomenon of gaslighting. Personality and Social Psychology Review. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1177/10888683251342291
Stewart, K. (2024, June 21). Narcissistic personality disorder & gaslighting. Dr. Katie Stewart. https://www.drkatiestewart.com/media/narcissistic-personality-disorder-gaslighting/
White, W. (2020, November 5). Narcissistic personality disorder: DSM-5 criteria and treatment options. Mind Diagnostics. https://www.mind-diagnostics.org/blog/narcissistic-personality/narcissistic-personality-disorder-dsm-5-criteria-and-treatment-options