People Pleasing for Survival
What it is and Why You Need to Stop
You say yes to helping your friend move house, even though you know you have work.
You agree with people during discussions around politics or religion, even though you don’t share the same views.
You know that eventually, your friend will be disappointed that you cannot help them move and perhaps someone in your work group may find out that you don’t really agree with their views and will be confused as to why you said you did.
So, why do you instinctively agree with them? It can seem easier. It can make you feel accepted and liked. Of course, people pleasing has a bit more complexity to it than simply agreeing with those at your workplace. It usually happens because if you say no, you feel that something bad will happen.
Indeed, saying no feels threatening in a way that is tough to describe. So, you say yes. Or you nod. What’s the worst that could happen?
At My Family Psychologist, we have worked with many people who have a compulsion to please others at their own expense and here, we will highlight why you really shouldn’t do it and explore how people pleasing may have a darker side.
People Pleasing- A Survival Strategy?
If you have ever watched a nature documentary, you will have heard of the stages “fight” or “flight” which are usually triggered when an animal is in danger. Of course, there is also the “freeze” response, which is why so many rabbits will stop dead in the middle of a busy road.
However, in the 1990s, psychotherapist Pete Walker (author of C-PTSD, From Surviving to Thriving) identified a fourth strategy: the fawn response.
The CPTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder) Foundation notes that:
“Fawning refers to a trauma-driven pattern of people-pleasing behaviours designed to diffuse danger when the brain senses threat, especially social or relational threat. The survivor may instinctively placate, appease, or over-accommodate. When fight, flight, or freeze aren’t viable options—as is often the case in childhood trauma, domestic violence, or institutional abuse—the nervous system defaults to fawning to stay safe. It’s a biologically embedded attempt to maintain a connection with those who may also be the source of a threat.”
What does Fawning Look Like?
If this sounds like someone you know, this doesn’t necessarily mean that they have pathological levels of people pleasing due to trauma. Society praises those who are nice and as such, some people may take it too far.
However, an article from Monica Vermani in Psychology Today states that if someone has a fawning response, they may-
- Engage in people-pleasing as a safety behaviour.
- Maintain peace in dangerous relationships.
- Can cause long-term self-neglect caused by chronic appeasement.
Remember, these behaviours can appear as kind but may be rooted in fear or survival instincts, rather than a conscious choice.
Knowing what is fawn response, who is the most likely to do it?
If someone experienced abuse as a child, usually from caregivers, then they will have a higher rate of fawning (Nivison, et al, 2021). Fawning can also be the result of having emotionally unpredictable caregivers, where the child has to placate the adult who looks after them by agreeing with them. Trent et al (2022) conducted research into the neurology of those who had unpredictable caregivers growing up, who are more likely to fall into patterns of hyper-attunement to caregivers, fear-based relational adaptation, suppression of defensive responses and nervous-system conditioning around maintaining attachment for safety. Even though the term “fawn” is not used, this neuro-behavioural description matches the behaviour almost perfectly.
It is, unfortunately, also an extremely common outcome relating to long-term exposure to environments where someone’s safety depended on appeasing others. Research by Taccini et al (2024) shows that those who have been in emotionally abusive relationships or those who have experienced domestic violence or coercive control are also at a higher risk of fawning, even if they physically get out of those situations.
The Psychological Toll of Fawning
As established earlier, fawning is different from simple people-pleasing to get to the top of the corporate ladder. It can take an enormous psychological toll on a person’s mental and physical health.
Mirabile et al (2023) and an earlier study by Tei and Fujino (2023) compiled that if someone fawns, they are at a higher risk of the following;
- Emotional exhaustion and burnout
- Resentment and repressed anger
- Identity erosion (not knowing who you are without others’ needs guiding you)
- Depersonalization or dissociation
- Anxiety, depression, and symptoms of complex PTSD
The overall consensus is that if someone fawns excessively, it inhibits their healing. A study by Tipsword et al (2022) suggests that it can keep survivors locked in trauma-informed patterns, which can prevent them from trusting themselves or having true emotional intimacy with others. Long-term, it may also erode their sense of independence and agency.
Boundaries = Healthy
Going back to the example at the beginning. Your friend has asked you to help them move house. You say yes, but you know you have work.
The long-term outcome is not likely to be good. Your friend may feel let down that you said you were free, and now you aren’t. They may begin to question if you are avoiding them and they may feel like you are simply lying. This can damage your relationship with them and you may then feel that you wish you had simply said no.
It can feel hard to put boundaries in when you are in survival mode. For those who have complex post-traumatic stress disorder, it can be even harder, as they may have been living with this behaviour since childhood. However, studies like the one conducted by Shaw, Jakubiak and Scheer (2022) found that trauma survivors who worked with therapists to develop healthier coping strategies, assertiveness and supportive relational patterns were less likely to show lower attachment insecurity and fawning, leading to better long-term psychological outcomes. So, even if someone fawns as a trauma response, much like those who go into fight mode, or even freeze mode, with the correct psychological help, this response can be unlearned and replaced with better strategies.
It is crucial to remember that having a high fawn response isn’t who you are. It is a survival skill that you have likely learned to stay alive. Also, this isn’t about fixing your personality but it is about being able to hear yourself under the blaring noise of survival. You don’t/ shouldn’t have to sacrifice yourself to feel safe.
Have you noticed that you people please a lot and want to stop? Contact My Family Psychologist for a confidential chat.
If you have a history of fawning and want to learn a bit more about assertiveness, or you just need someone to talk to, we’re here to help. Contact My Family Psychologist for a conversation with someone who can help you work through any traumas you have, as well as help you set boundaries.
FAQs
What is Fawning?
Fawning is a term created by psychotherapist Pete Walker. It is linked to other survival behaviours (fight, flight, freeze) and is when a person reacts to a threat or a perceived threat by appeasing or accommodating without causing harm.
Who is at Risk of Fawning?
The research into this area has found that fawning is more prevalent in people who have a history of abuse (childhood, interpersonal or domestic). However, it should be noted that it is not a personality flaw and can be reduced through trauma-informed therapy.
How do I put in Boundaries?
That is a topic for an entire series of articles! However, putting in boundaries when you have a fawn response will usually start with the help of a trauma-informed therapist. Assertiveness is hard to learn and if you have a fawn response, it should not be undertaken without professional intervention.
References
CPTSD Foundation. (2025, June 5). Fawn response: The trauma survival pattern that’s mistaken for kindness. https://cptsdfoundation.org/2025/06/05/fawn-response-the-trauma-survival-pattern-thats-mistaken-for-kindness/
Mirabile, M., Gnatt, I., Sharp, J. L., & Mackelprang, J. L. (2024). Shame and emotion dysregulation as pathways to posttraumatic stress symptoms among women with a history of interpersonal trauma. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 39(7–8), 1853–1876. https://doi.org/10.1177/08862605231211924
Nivison, M. D., Facompré, C. R., Raby, K. L., Simpson, J. A., Roisman, G. I., & Waters, T. E. A. (2021). Childhood abuse and neglect are prospectively associated with scripted attachment representations in young adulthood. Development and Psychopathology, 33(4), 1143–1155. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0954579420000528
Shaw, T., Jakubiak, B., Scheer, J., (2024) Support-Seeking and Active Coping Mitigate the Association Between Posttrauma Symptom Severity and Attachment Insecurity in a Community Sample of Trauma Survivors. PubMed Central, Aug 4;29(4):458–469. doi: 10.1037/trm0000407
Shreya, M. (2025, April). Demystifying the fawn response. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/bipoc-mental-health/202504/demystifying-the-fawn-response
Simon, J. J., Skunde, M., Wu, M., Cesa, L. C., Bendszus, M., Herzog, W., & Friederich, H.-C. (2022). Neural mechanisms of reward processing in eating disorders: An activation likelihood estimation meta-analysis. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 17(12), 1091–1100. https://doi.org/10.1093/scan/nsac038
Simon, N., Roberts, N. P., Lewis, C. E., van Gelderen, M. J., & Bisson, J. I. (2020). Associations between perceived social support, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and complex PTSD (CPTSD): Implications for treatment. European Journal of Psychotraumatology, 11(1), 1831529. https://doi.org/10.1080/20008198.2020.1831529
Taccini, F., Mannarini, S., & Tagliafico. (2024). Unveiling the traumatic impact of cyber dating abuse and offline intimate partner violence: Exploring the mediating role of adult attachment. Scientific Reports. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-024-68759-z
Tei, S., & Fujino, J. (2024). Social trauma, empathy, and cognitive inflexibility: A review of psychological and neural mechanisms. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 15, Article 1327856. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2024.1327856
Tipsword, J. M., Brown-Iannuzzi, J. L., Jones, A. C., Flores, J., & Badour, C. L. (2022). Avoidance coping partially accounts for the relationship between trauma-related shame and PTSD symptoms following interpersonal trauma. Violence Against Women, 28(1), 107–125. https://doi.org/10.1177/1077801220988350
Trent, S., Muhammad, HA., Parwana, K., Alcocer Valdivieso, M., Hassan, Z., Muller, C. (2025). Fear conditioning: Insights into learning, memory and extinction and its relevance to clinical disorders. Science Direct 113310 (138). 10.1016/j.pnpbp.2025.111310
Vermani, M. (2025, February 24). Understanding fawning as a trauma response. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/a-deeper-wellness/202502/understanding-fawning-as-a-trauma-response/
Ward, P. R., Thompson, J., Barber, R., Armitage, C. J., Boote, J. D., Cooper, C. L., & Jones, G. L. (2023). Critical perspectives on consumer involvement in health research: Epistemological dissonance and the know–do gap. Journal of Sociology, 46(1), 63–82. https://doi.org/10.1177/1440783309351771