“The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too.” Ernest Hemmingway
When you break up from a relationship, whether it is long-term or short-term, chances are that your emotions will feel raw for a while. Perhaps you thought that this person was the one, maybe they promised you the moon, or maybe they left following a betrayal.
Either way, those first few months following a breakup suck. For some people, break-ups can be more confusing than raw, leaving you feeling unsettled, or even suffering from depression, shame, anxiety or all three. In some cases, this is due to sadness and at other times, it can point to something more worrying.
In hindsight, it is easy to assume that all of your previous partners’ behaviours were toxic, due to hurt feelings following your separation. That’s normal and human. However, if you were in a “bad” or “toxic” relationship, it can be harder to regain your sense of autonomy post-separation, as well as maintain your mental health.
So, what are the signs that you may have been in a bad relationship and how can you help yourself to recover? Here, our relationship expert at The Family Psychologist breaks it down.
What is a “bad” or “toxic” relationship?
Most people know that an intimate relationship shouldn’t be like the one portrayed on EastEnders! Arguing, cheating, withholding information and lying are great for a soap but not so great for real life. Interestingly, many relationship therapists, like Jonathan Decker from Cinema Therapy, have noted that the ideal relationship in the media is Gomez and Morticia Addams. They may be kooky but they’ve got a healthy marriage!
To define a bad relationship, it is wise to look at research by world-renowned relationship therapists, the Gottman’s. John and Julie Gottman noted, after 15 years of studying (and being able to predict divorce with over 90% accuracy), that there are four core components of a “bad” or “toxic” relationship, which were renamed as the “Four Horsemen”-
- Criticism– no, not the kind that you give when your partner comes home with muddy shoes! This is the type where one person attacks their partner’s character, rather than addressing the issue at hand.
- Contempt- the biggest red flag of all is when your partners constantly mock you, are disrespectful and also use a lot of sarcasm, with the aim of appearing superior.
- Defensiveness– if one partner refuses to accept responsibility for mistakes they have made and shifts blame; this is an unhealthy level of defensiveness.
- Stonewalling– if someone withdraws emotionally or shuts down during an argument, this is stonewalling. It can stop the exploration of an issue and stop growth.
The Gottman’s noted that when a relationship has these traits, it can stop problem-solving, keeping partners stuck and frustrated. So, if you look back at your previous relationship and you note that this seems familiar, then, no, it wasn’t in your imagination. You were in a bad relationship.
Narcissism in Relationships
On the more extreme end comes narcissism and relationships.
These intimate relationships (also sometimes known as poison relationships) are particularly harmful once you have separated because people who have narcissistic tendencies are fantastic at laying on the charm. In the beginning of a relationship, this is how they lure you in and then, they breadcrumb, giving you intermittent praise and compliments, sandwiched between cold dismissal and ambivalence. If you have ended the relationship with them, they may throw all of their energy into trying to get you back, resorting to love bombing, sending you gifts or even deploying flying monkeys.
This makes it practically impossible to move on, as, in simple terms, they have lost their hold over you and want to get you back to maintain their supply. According to Thomas Erikson’s bestseller “Surrounded by Narcissists,” a narcissist in a relationship “love” someone because they make their life comfortable, or they give them what they need. If that is gone, they spiral and seek to pull you back with everything they have.
How to Start Healing
First, if you feel you have been in a relationship with someone who was toxic, controlling, immature or even narcissistic, you need to give yourself some grace. Many people who fall into these categories are adroit manipulators and can lay on the charm and passive-blame games with ease and minimal detection.
So, how can you do this?
Minimise Contact
This can be easier said than done, especially if you have children together. However, you need to minimise contact whenever you can. The Mind Journal notes that to help you recover from relationships that are toxic, you should aim to cut off all contact or minimise contact. This will help you to reduce any chance of drama, manipulation, or covert abuse. If you have children, then it is advisable to practice parallel parenting, rather than coparenting. This involves setting crystal clear boundaries, defined responsibilities and structured decision making between you and your ex. Opting for parallel parenting stops your child(ren) from being exposed to arguments and sets down clear communication about your children only.
Reach Out
It is an unfortunate reality for many people who have been in narcissistic or toxic relationships that they may have been isolated from family or friends. When you have separated from a bad relationship, now is the time to reach out and rebuild those bridges. This will help you to feel safer, more secure and more involved in the lives of those around you. Plus, it can provide you with a space to bounce ideas and past experiences off others to gain perspective.
Process
This is a stage that a lot of people accidentally skip, which can lead them to be vulnerable to reopening contact with their toxic ex-partner. Larson and Sbarra noted that it is crucial to process a relationship (the good and the bad) to speed up the recovery time. This will vary based on who you are as a person. It can help to keep a journal, write a story, or poetry about your emotions and so on. If you need to cry, then cry. If you need to punch a punching bag, then do. Try to get all the negativity, sadness and confusion out in a constructive way, rather than bottle it up. Self health is something you need to recover, so try to sleep as you usually would and maintain your normal routines, to prevent spiralling.
Seek Professional Help
As highlighted above, it can be hard to move on from a toxic relationship and you may find yourself spiralling into depressive and shame spirals. This may leave you open to manipulation tactics from your ex, especially if they had narcissistic traits. If you find yourself feeling unusually down or having the thought of “I NEED to talk to them” (even though it would be bad), then it may be time to seek professional help. By speaking to a relationship therapist, you can gain insight into your previous relationship and you can learn skills and techniques to prevent yourself from falling back into old patterns, which could lead you to contact your previous partner.
I hope you found this blog article an interesting read. If you have enjoyed this article, then please drop a comment. We appreciate all feedback and want to hear how you find these blogs. If you are struggling after a messy break-up, a bad relationship or if you simply need the space to talk your prior relationship through with an objective and sympathetic professional, please contact My Family Psychologist on 07801 079 555 or email luisa@myfamilypsychologist.com.
FAQs
What are the signs of being in a toxic relationship?
According to the Gottman’s, the signs of being in a bad or toxic relationship include criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. However, gaslighting, lying and manipulating are also signs of a toxic relationship.
How can I parent our child(ren) with a toxic ex?
It is advised that if you have children with your toxic ex, you should aim to parallel parent, which sets out clear boundaries and responsibilities.
How can I heal after a bad relationship?
It is hard to do this, especially if you have a mental health issue underlying. Ideally, you should aim to cut off or minimise contact with your ex and seek support from friends and family. Try to process the relationship (the good and the bad) and if necessary, seek professional help. You can recover but it can be tough, so you will need to be kind with yourself.
Support in the UK
If you have been impacted by this article, or have recently gotten out of a bad relationship and would like some support, in the UK, there is help for you. Listed below are some charities and agencies you can turn to for legal, psychological and financial assistance.
Refuge (women and children)
- 24/7 National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247
- General phone: 020 7395 7700
- Email (general enquiries): supportercare@refuge.org.uk
Women’s Aid
- Helpline (National Domestic Abuse Helpline): 0808 2000 247
- Email: helpline@womensaid.org.uk
- Website: https://www.womensaid.org.uk
- Live chat: Available via the website
Harbour (Domestic Abuse Support Charity)
- 24-hour helpline: 03000 20 25 25
- Email: info@myharbour.org.uk
- Website: https://www.myharbour.org.uk
ManKind Initiative (support for male victims)
- Freephone helpline: 0808 800 1170
- Alternative helpline: 01823 334244
- Email (office enquiries): admin@mankind.org.uk
Survivors UK (men and non-binary survivors of sexual abuse)
- Phone: 0203 598 3898
- Text: 020 3322 1860
- WhatsApp: 07491 816064
- Email: info@survivorsuk.org
References
Anderson, K., & Upthegrove, S. (2025). Parallel parenting with purpose: A practical alternative to coparenting in high conflict family systems. Journal of Family Trauma, Child Custody & Child Development, 22(3), 354–371.
Cinema Therapy. (2021, October 26). 7 tips from The Addams Family to keep your marriage alive [Video]. YouTube.
Erikson, T. (2022). Surrounded by narcissists: Or, how to stop other people’s egos ruining your life. Vermilion.
Marriage.com Editorial Team. (2025, May 7). How to recover from a toxic relationship: 15 effective ways. Marriage.com. https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/how-to-recover-from-a-toxic-relationship/
Ni, P. C. (2014, September 14). 10 signs that you’re in a relationship with a narcissist. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201409/10-signs-youre-in-relationship-narcissist
Regain Editorial Team. (2025, September 12). What are the four horsemen of the apocalypse? Gottman and the signs of relationship strain. Regain. https://www.regain.us/advice/general/what-are-the-four-horsemen-of-the-apocalypse-gottman-and-the-signs-of-relationship-strain/
Ritschel, C. (2018, September 19). Repeatedly reflecting on a breakup speeds recovery process, according to science. The Independent. https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/dating/breakup-get-over-relationship-ex-heartbreak-heal-science-recover-a8545741.html
Schneider, A. (n.d.). How to recover from a toxic relationship? 6 helpful ways. The Minds Journal. https://themindsjournal.com/peace-toxic-relationship/